


Dear Fren

by amneria



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, College, Depression, Diary/Journal, Gay, I don't know how to write happy, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Like all my other work this will be sad, M/M, Suicide, wooooo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-22 02:14:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 10,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8268884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amneria/pseuds/amneria
Summary: Dear Fren,The blue haired boy was in the coffee shop again, but today his hair was pink. I think I like the pink more. Maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow if he's there again. Hopefully he won't think it's weird I only get hot chocolate.- Ty





	1. Chapter 1

**8/23 11:16pm**  
Dear diary, 

I don't want to call you diary, that's too formal. Let me start over.

  
**8/23 11:17pm**  
Dear Fren,

Look how much better that is. We're already friends and we just met. Anyways, I'll introduce myself to you Mr Diary. Or Ms Diary? I should probably stick to Fren. So, my name is Tyler Robert Joseph and I’m 20 years old. I like to write songs and play the piano, but I’m also learning how to play the ukulele. Hey I actually spelt that right on the first try, nice. Anyways, I got you, my dear Fren, after my therapist suggesting writing my thoughts down in a journal. She said it would be a good way to express myself and see how I’m truly feeling. I guess it’s a good idea, this will be like writing songs but not as pretty and having a terrible melody. Imagine singing what I wrote so far, it’d sound terrible. Well I guess I’m rambling. I’ll talk (write?) to you tomorrow. Sleep well Fren.

-Ty


	2. Chapter 2

** 8/25 1:34am **

Dear Fren,

I hope you slept well because I didn’t. God that sounded rude. I’m sorry, it’s just I start college tomorrow any everything’s a disaster. First of all, I have no idea how to pack. Do I bring my whole closet? How do I fit everything in a suitcase? Where do my shoes go? Do I even need to bring more than one pair of socks? Also, why are all my socks missing. Secondly, my mom won’t let me bring the piano, so that ruins almost everything. I guess I can write songs with just my ukelele, but it’s not the same. Maybe they have a piano on campus? But I don’t really want anyone to hear me sing…I just want to stay home. Why do I even have to go to college, I can just get a job or whatever, I won’t live in my parents’ house forever. It’s been two years since I first got accepted but it’s not enough time. I don’t want to go. I wanna stay in my room and never come out. I might as well, since I threw away that basketball scholarship. I guess I should go so my mom doesn’t get angry about me always being in the house. I’m going to go now, I’m too tired to keep writing. Sleep well Fren.

-Ty


	3. Chapter 3

** 8/25 10:53pm **

Dear Fren,

Today was ok I guess. I moved in to my dorm  and my mom helped me unpack everything but I just had one suitcase so I could've just done it myself. I love my mom and all but I think I need my space and I gotta do thing on my own now. I could've just commuted to school everyday but I can't drive...I guess I could've biked or taken the bus? No I need to be on my own, I can't stay at home forever no matter how much I want to. Anyways, I met my roommate...Brandon I think. He's ok, seems nice but he's kinda loud and a bit too energetic. Next year I'll try for a single. I could also go home on the weekends if it gets too loud. Or too lonely. Let's not dwell on the negatives, it's a new beginning! A new adventure filled with excitement! I get to go to class for music and learn about different techniques and I'll perfect my piano playing and fully learn how to play the ukulele! Don't worry Tyler, everything will be a-ok. 

 

\- Ty


	4. Chapter 4

** 8/26 11:27pm **

Dear Fren,

 

Don't take an 8am, ever. I don't know about you Fren but I was able to wake up at 6 every morning and go to class in high school but don't even try to do that in college. I woke up at 7am and I'm pretty sure I'm dying. I need to find something other than coffee to fuel me. I also don't think a sugar rush is enough to get my through a day because I ate 3 glazed donuts and my hands keep twitching. I don't know if that's the sugar or just my anxiety, maybe some of both. Anyways my 8am is music theory and I had no idea what I signed up for because this class is going to be awful. I'm also taking some biology class and a math class for dumb people because I suck at those subjects. I'm in a world history class too, which seems ok. I'm not terrible at history so I don't think I'll fail. Oh yeah I'm also taking a creative writing class. I'm excited for this class and can't wait to write some awesome stories. Oh wait. Are we supposed to share out writing with the class? I might need to switch out. Come on Tyler you can't do that, college is for getting over your fears, right? I guess so...we'll see how the first class goes. Monday is done, time to get some sleep and then go to math and creative writing tomorrow. Let's hope Brandon doesn't come back from that party too late.

 

\- Ty


	5. Chapter 5

8/27 8:49pm

Dear Fren,

 

I think lack of sleep is going to be a reoccurring issue. Brendon (I found a piece of paper with his name on it) came back around 3am drunk. I know I shouldn't be judging him since this is college and all but he didn't have to make so much noise. I think he skipped his first class too. Whatever, I shouldn't worry about him, he knows what he's doing. Me on the other hand is a complete disaster. I may have signed up for 10 clubs and am now on all of their email lists. I'll probably join band and maybe the radio station on campus, that'll be cool. I can do behind the scenes stuff so I don't have to talk. What do they do on the radio? I can press the buttons? I'll find something to do. You probably want to know how class went today. Ok you probably don't but I'll tell you anyways Fren. So math was fine, we didn't so much but I did learn that I'll probably need a tutor. Actually I'll probably need a tutor for every subject other than creative writing. The professor for that class really nice, I wish she was my grandma. I can just imagine her bringing in cookies for everyone just before winter break. Maybe I'll make her cookies...but I don't know how to cook. Speaking of not being able to cook, I just bought 7 microwave pizzas which is the only thing I'll be eating this week. Maybe I should get some pizza bagels, do they still make pizza bagels? Maybe I'll get some Oreos and hot pockets next time. Mmmmm oreos. I'm making myself hungry now. At least the freshmen event thing I'm going to tonight has free food. To be honest I'm only going for the free food, I don't want to deal with people. I gotta go get ready, see you tomorrow fren.

 

\- Ty


	6. Chapter 6

** 8/28 10:06PM **

DEAR FREN,

 

GOOD DAY MY GREAT FREN HOW ARE YOU DOING?? IF YOU HAVENT NOTICED IM A LITTLE HYPER RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I DRANK TWO RED BULLS AND DID NOT KNOW WHAT THEY WOULD DO. MY HEART IS BEATING REALLY FAST AND IM WORRIED I MIGHT DIE BUT BRENDON SAYS ITS OK. BRENDONS BEEN NICE BUT HES STILL BEEN LOUD AND JUST WANTS TO TALK ALL THE TIME WHICH IS ANNOYING. I ALSO MET SOMEONE NAMED JENNA TODAY AND SHES REALLY COOL AND NICE. SHES ALSO REALLY SMART, LIKE SHE SKIPPED THE LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL TO GO TO COLLEGE. THATS SO AWESOME, I WISH I COULD HAVE DONE THAT OR MAYBE JUST WENT TO COLLEGE IN TIME. IM GOING TO GO VOMIT NOW. GOODNIGHT FREN.

 

\- TY


	7. Chapter 7

** 8/29 8:48PM **

Dear Fren,

 

I think I’ll drink red bulls on special occasions only. I’ll stick to hot chocolate I guess. Can you get a hangover from redbull? If so, I have that. Anyways, today. What happened today. I didn’t understand anything in math as usual, but creative writing was pretty good. We were told to write a haiku about the weather so here’s what I wrote:

 

Seasons are confused

temperature rising and falls

like my grades in math

 

My professor said she liked it so I’m super happy!! We also had to read it to the class and that was awful, I could barely get my words out. But a few people chuckled so that was good. Maybe I’ll actually have a class I like. The professor also said out final is going to be a story that we work on the whole semester and has to have a deeper meaning. Obviously it has to have a deeper meaning, as all english classes strive for. I think I have an idea already but I’m not sure if I want to share it with the class because we’ll most likely have to do peer editing and such. I want to write about my anxiety and stuff, not surprisingly, but I don’t think I’m ready to share that with my random classmates. Well I better get started on the reading for history and music theory so I don’t fail. I think I’ll get some hot chocolate at Starbucks…or maybe a frappuccino. That sounds good. Thanks for listening to my ramblings, I’ll try to have something more interesting for you tomorrow.

 

-Ty


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll get better soon, I promise

** 8/30 9:12PM **

Dear Fren,

 

There was a blue haired boy at the Starbucks on campus. It was all tangled and he kept running his fingers through it. He also had a tattoo on his arm. I couldn’t see what it was exactly but I saw that it was really colorful when he was reaching for his coffee. Oh god I hope he didn’t see me staring at him, that would be awful. But he made my heart hurt, in a good way, not like the redbulls. I think I’ll go back tomorrow night to see if he’s there again. I’m not stalking him, that’s not what I’m doing. I’m simply going to get something to drink tomorrow at the same time as last night and maybe wait around for a bit. It’ll be a coincidence if he shows up, plain and simple. Don’t judge me Fren, you’re just here to hear my thoughts not to make me feel bad.

Well, on a separate note, Brendon is forcing me to go to a party. He says his friend Patrick is throwing it at one of the frat houses. I don’t think I’ll like it but I’m too scared to say no. Maybe I can pretend my mom is dying and I have to go home. No that’s awful Tyler don’t do that. Maybe I should stop by Starbucks on the way over, just for like, a hot chocolate or something. I think I’ll do that. Let’s hope I survive the night.

 

\- Ty


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated recently! I've been really busy with schoolwork and such.

**8/31 2:35PM**

Dear Fren,

 

I never want to be around that many drunk people ever again. When Brendon and I got there Patrick greeted us then Brendon went to go find some guy called Ryan and Patrick went back into the crowd of people. So I was alone, not unusual but not I'm also not usually in a frat house surrounded by horny college kids. I went to find the food so I could just stand there and eat until Brendon was too drunk and needed help home, but there was no food. What party doesn't have food? I'll bring snacks next time so I have something to do. I was so bored and everyone was having a great time. Have you ever been in that situation? One you don't seem quite right in? That's how I felt and I hated it. I left because I wasn't doing anything and I assumed Brendon would get home safe (spoiler: he did, loudly). What else was I going to do other than sit alone in my room and play the ukulele and cry? You guessed it; I went to the Starbucks down the street and sat there with a hot chocolate and did my creative writing homework while waiting to see if the blue haired boy would show up. He didn't, but it was also later than the first time I saw him. I'll try going around 9pm like the first night. I think Brendon's going to throw up again so I should go get the trash can. I'll talk to you later Fren.

 

\- Ty


	10. Chapter 10

** 9/1 11:49PM **

 

Dear Fren,

 

The blue haired boy was in the coffee shop again, but today his hair was pink. I think I like the pink more. Maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow if he's there again. Hopefully he won't think it's weird I only get hot chocolate. Or that I’m just sitting in a chair awkwardly looking at everyone and waiting for him to come in. I think I’ll bring some work to do next time so I don’t look like an absolute creep.

 

I also spent last night until 4am playing the piano in the music department. I guess they forgot I was there because I got locked in and had to call campus police to be let out. I missed the feeling of keys and the sound they made. I have to book times to use the piano which sucks, so maybe I'll try to get a cheap one from Craigslist or something. Oh I also wrote some lyrics. It's still kinda rough but I already thought of a title: Drown. Pretty good right? Anyways, I'm not finished with it yet, it could still use some editing. I wonder if I'll have to perform any songs for my music major...well I should probably look that up at some point so I can give myself a year to prepare.

 

\- Ty


	11. Chapter 11

** 9/2 8:13pm **

Dear Fren,

 

I'll cut to the chase. No I didn't see the now pink haired boy at Starbucks even though I waited for 3 hours this time just to make sure I wouldn't miss him. Maybe he had to study today or came earlier or something? I don't even know if he goes to college. I'm going to assume he does since he was at a Starbucks on a college campus. Tyler stop obsessing over this beautiful boy, he doesn't even know who you are. You could actually try to talk to him for once if you weren't a scared child.

 

On a positive note I befriended one of the baristas, his name is Mark. He also goes to Ohio State and he's the same age as me but he's a Junior. I also learnt that he's studying video communications design or whatever, he said its basically graphic design and video editing. He wants to make music videos when he graduates which sounds a lot better than anything I want to do. I didn't tell him the real reason why I was there for so long, I just said I had a lot of work to do. I don't think he bought it because it's only been one week since classes started. I hope he doesn't think I'm stalking him because I'd like to keep him as a friend. We're actually going to study together on Wednesday. Things are looking good for Tyler Joseph, other than having no love life and the mystery boy disappearing. At least I have an excuse to go to Starbucks, not like I didn't have any before. I actually have a person I can go visit instead of tell myself I'll study there, which doesn't happen. So I guess I'll visit mark tomorrow then. Let's see if the pink haired boy is there, I'll keep you updated Fren.

 

\- Ty


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a job that's once a week and from 11PM-3AM so I'm dying a little

** 9/3 11:02pm **

Dear Fren,

 

Well I guess syllabus week is over because I've just been assigned 2 essays, a presentation, and have my first test in two weeks. What are we even going to be tested on? We haven't even learnt enough to have a quiz. Speaking of quizzes, my biology professor is fond of pop quizzes. I already got the results of my first one: a big ol zero. I thought I studied the right info but I guess I've been distracted by Mark and pink haired boy to actually pay attention. 

 

Speaking of pink haired boy, he came in when Mark and I were arguing over which character is the best to main in Super Smash Brothers Melee. Mark thinks it's Marth, which is absolutely STUPID! The best character is Falco, obviously. Falco might not be as fast but his lasers help him deal with neutrals which Marth can't do. Then he was saying that Marth's combo is better than Falco's but it doesn't matter if that's true since Falco can just keep a distance and lazar Marth's ass off the platform. We did both agree that Jigglypiff is overrated. Kirby on the other hand...wait I was talking about the pink haired boy. Whoops.

 

So yea the pink haired boy. He came in while Mark and I were arguing and so Mark had to take his order. He said his name was Josh. 

 

Josh.

 

I guess the name is kinda fitting? I was thinking more of an Alex or something, you know, tougher? There's like 100 Joshs go to this school, how am I supposed to find him on Facebook? Anyways, all I learnt today was his name and that his tattoo has a tree and what looks like a universe on it. It's pretty. Dammit Tyler why are you so gay. So yeah, the pink haired boy will now be know as Josh, Josh with the pretty tattoos and the gauges in his ear which makes him look punk. I bet he's really punk. Oh god what if he doesn't like me, I'm not street enough or whatever. I think I might cry myself to sleep. It's getting late Fren and we should both get some sleep. Sweet dreams.

 

\- Ty


	13. Chapter 13

**9/5 1:53am**

Dear Fren,

 

I think I know what I want to write about for my creative writing class. You know that feeling when you just don't want to exist anymore, maybe not die or whatever, but not exist? I'm going to write about that. Well I guess sometimes I want to die. Hm, maybe I can include both ideas. Obviously I'll have to talk about anxiety and depression, since they cumulates into this....thing. It's more than just being stressed and sad. What's a name that can combine all my feelings? Not something dumb like "Darkness". Self-loathing kinda hits it but it's not what I want since it's not really me, ya know? Wait why am I asking a notebook if it knows how I feel. You've had your own experiences I guess, maybe that factory was terrifying. I'm sorry you had to live through that Fren. Anyways, a name. What about...no that won't work...or....no that doesn't work either. I'm giving myself a headache. I'll think of something later.

 

I didn't see Josh today, but that's ok. 

 

I'm going to sleep, night.

 

\- Ty

 

 

 

 

 

 

_ BLURRYFACE _


	14. Chapter 14

** 9/5 9:40pm **

Dear Fren,

 

I'm sorry I woke you up last night, I just thought of a name at like 3am that I had to write down. _Blurryface_. It fits, right? I really want my professor to like me and like the story I guess. 

 

Oh I forgot to say that Mark and I studied together last night. He was working on something for his history class while I was doing some biology and math homework. I wish I was a junior like everyone else my age but of course I had to have an anxiety attack every time I thought about college and living on my own. It's not that bad now, I cry some nights and think about dropping out but I remember to eat lunch each day! Granted, I mainly eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches but do I eat something. Anyways, back to Mark and I. We both had no idea what we were doing so instead we went to Taco Bell. I am AMAZED that he loves Taco bell as much as I do. Too bad I don't love Mark like I do Josh because we would be a match made in heaven. I wonder if Josh likes Taco Bell. Next time he goes to Starbucks I'll make Mark ask him. Mark also said I should work there with him. Haha funny joke Mark. I guess he doesn't know my situation and everything, maybe I'll tell him at some point.  Well he's my only friend at college right now, other than Brendon but he's not really my friend. Whatever, no need to feel sad, it's only the second week, right? I'm going to go to the piano room and write some more lyrics. I've been thinking of a song I'm calling Save and I need to get it down on paper. I'll talk to you later Fren. 

 

\- Ty


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is literally a shit post haha, hopefully ya'll can imagine Tyler saying/thinking all these things so it seems "realistic".

** 9/6 9:17pm **

Dear Fren,

 

Mark and I spent today doing homework and beating each other up in Melee. Well, technically only I beat him up because he lost every round. I wonder if there’s a competitive gaming club on campus, that would be sick. I don’t think you really care about my amazing Melee skills, well, you’re my diary so wouldn’t you like to hear everything I have to say? I think I’m taking this journal thing too seriously, giving you a personality and all. Hopefully my therapist doesn’t think I’m going insane and makes me stop. I like this, having a secret place to talk, or write I guess. I don’t want another friend to leave.

 

Let’s stop talking about my steadily declining mental health and more about Josh. JOSH! My favorite person other than my mom and I guess Mark. I haven’t even talked to him yet and I love him so much: the way he pushes his pink hair off his head and plays with his fingers. I’m going to die before I say a word to him. So obviously I didn’t talk to him today, I didn’t even go to Starbucks because Mark had the day off and we just hung out. I might have started having withdrawal from hot chocolate and Josh; I crave both of them. That sounded really gross. I mean, I want to drink hot chocolate and I wouldn’t mind having Josh wrap his arms around me and kiss me. I have work to do and all I’m doing is fantasizing about Josh. Ugh I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Metaphorically. Today I don’t feel like actually dying but I’m not saying tomorrow will be the same. Why am I always so depressing. Come on Tyler you sad sack of potatoes. 

 

Well I’m meeting back up with Mark again soon and we’re going to the movies. We’re seeing Toy Story 3 and I WILL NOT CRY. I PROMISE. Goodnight Fren, sleep well.

 

\- Ty


	16. Chapter 16

** 9/7 11:53pm **

Dear Fren,

 

I cried at the movies. I cried so much that Mark thought something was wrong. Somethings always wrong but that’s not the point. Toy Story 3 was so good, I feel like I need to rewatch all the movies again. So let me catch you up to right now. Last night was nice, seeing the movie with Mark then going to get ice cream at midnight. I then slept till 1pm, played the ukelele until Brendon got fed up and kicked me out then went to play the piano and write some more songs. I wrote another song called Lovely and it might or might not be about some cute punk boy I stalk. Oh yea, so after playing some music I dropped by Starbucks to get some work done and maybe see if Josh would show up.

 

He didn’t.

 

So I came back to my room and here I am, just sitting on my bed writing. I should’ve gotten more of that history paper done but I can’t get myself to write anymore. Who even cares about the imagery of the turn of the century in Vermeer’s paintings? Why are we even writing about that for a history class? I just want to write sappy songs about my precious punk boy who I still haven’t talked to. Ok I promise to talk to him on…Monday? Is that too soon? Maybe I should do it tomorrow?? What if the times not right or I say something wrong or I call him Josh and he’s like how do you know my name and I can’t say I stalk him everyday because I’ll go to jail and Josh won’t love me if I’m in prison even though he’s punk he’s probably not like that hardcore. I think I need to sleep. Love hurts too much. I don’t even know if I’m in love. Infatuation is more like it. Everything sucks Fren. At least you don’t have to deal with feelings, since you’re a book. Night Fren, see you in the morning.

 

-Ty


	17. Chapter 17

** 9/8 10:38pm **

Dear Fren,

 

I saw that dumb beautiful boy again but this time on the street. He was wearing a stupid shirt that said “I want to believe” and a dumb red snapback and listening to music, probably something dumb. He was tapping away when I saw him walk down the sidewalk so I RAN. I saw him and immediately turned around and ran in the opposite direction. I don’t know how long I even ran for. He probably saw me too. I didn’t even look good so of course I had to run away. I was wearing my stupid skeleton jacket and some really tight skinny jeans, I mean really tight. I have to look presentable in front of Josh, this isn’t some joke. I need to impress the boy and show him I can be an amazingly dressed gay like all those guys you see on tv. I thought being gay would give me a great fashion sense but it just gave me crippling depression. I’m kidding, years or torment and my genetics gave me crippling depression. What was I talking about? Oh yea that dumb boy Josh. I hate him so much, because I love him so much. We’re only two weeks into school and I already have a distraction. I wish Josh would go away. That’s a lie, I wish he would talk to me and say he likes me shirt or thinks I’m cute and we run away into the sunset. If we got married who would take the last name? Tyler Dun or Josh Joseph…they both work so well. What am I even doing. I have an essay due tomorrow and homework but all I can do is cry and think about Josh. Maybe I’ll just go to sleep, that way I don’t have to think anymore. I’m such a mess, I’m sorry Fren. Let’s hope tomorrows better.

 

-Ty


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates! I've been really busy with school work and such, and I've also kinda gone into a slump with writing but I'll be better this week since break is soon and I don't have much to do.
> 
> Stay alive frens <3

** 9/12 5:42am **

Dear Fren,

 

Sorry I haven’t talked to you in a few days. I’ve been really depressed. It’s just…everything seems to be falling apart. I’m pretty sure I failed that essay that was due Monday and the quiz we had this week and this obsession with Josh is probably really unhealthy but I can’t stop. I want to sleep the rest oft his week but I’ve already missed class the past few days. I knew I should’ve never come to college, I knew it was a mistake. I’m a disaster. I told myself I wouldn’t do anything stupid but my minds all jumbled and I can’t think straight. I really want to do…something. Why can’t I just say it. Tyler you’re a stupid, idiot child who can’t even say a simple dumb word because it scares you. You don’t think everyone else knows about the faded lines on your arm? That skeleton sweater doesn’t always cover them up, sometimes your wrist sneaks out and people stare. You know they stare. They think you’re weak, a failure, they wonder why you’re even here, the 20 year old freshman. Look at yourself Tyler, a sad scrawny kid, nothing more. No talent or anything, just a stupid boy from Ohio who’s fucked up and no one will ever want. Josh won’t want you. You’re gross. You’re worthless.

 

I’m sorry Fren but I got to go. I hope you’ll forgive me.

 

-Ty


	19. Chapter 19

**9/13 7:13pm**

Dear Fren,

 

I’m so sorry about yesterday, I probably worried you so much. I did something dumb and now my arms are wrapped up in bandages. I made sure Brendon didn’t see because I didn’t want to worry him. But those were my last bandages so I need to get more just in case this happens again. I hope it doesn’t.

 

On a more positive note, my creative writing professor really liked my story idea. She says she can’t wait to hear more about it! This makes me so happy, ugh she’s so great. Maybe I should switch my major to creative writing and take every class she teaches. To be honest I wouldn’t get a job with that major or my current major anyways so who cares. I’ll either end up at a bookstore or a music store at this rate. Anyways, I’m writing about this…man? This person, thing called Blurryface. He’s evil. Not like robbing banks and murdering people evil but…evil. He controls people, has them wrapped around his finger. I’m not really sure how the story will end, but I don’t think it’ll be happy. I don’t like happy endings.

 

I’m going to meet up with Mark to study after his shift ends at Starbucks. He wants to try again to beat me in Smash but we all know that won’t happen. Sleep well.

 

\- Ty


	20. Chapter 20

** 9/14 11:29pm **

Dear Fren,

 

I forgot about my “injuries” last night and rolled up my sleeves. Mark saw and asked why they were bandaged. I lied to him. I feel bad but I can’t tell him that I…that I hurt myself on purpose. I can’t do that. I can’t. Maybe one day, but that’s not today. 

 

Anyways, I destroyed him in Smash, as usual. He really needs to stop thinking that he can beat me. My Falco is amazing, I’m amazing. I even switched it up and played as Kirby and still destroyed him. Can you believe it. Kirby beat him. It’s insane. Oh yeah, I found out there’s a competitive gaming club on campus so maybe I’ll try to go to a meeting. That is, if I can gather enough courage to do so. Maybe I should go pro at Smash, then I won’t have to talk to people. That’s a lie, I’d have to do interviews and work with a partner. I can’t even have Mark be my partner because he’s so bad. What if Josh is actually amazing at Smash.

 

Josh.

 

I saw him yesterday, briefly. He was skating across through campus looking great as usual. I don’t know where he was going, hell, I don’t even know if he’s actually a student here. I’ve just been assuming he is. I need to talk to him. Just say hi or something. I don’t know…when would I do it? Where would I do it? I guess Starbucks since I know he goes there. I sound like a complete stalker. I kinda do stalk him though. Ok well, Monday at Starbuck. I’ll wait there are try to strike up a conversation or something. Mark will be there so he can help me if I fail terribly. You can do this Tyler. You can do this.

 

-Ty


	21. Chapter 21

** 9/15 10:47pm **

Dear Fren,

 

Today was pretty boring. I did homework, wrote some songs, cried, the usual. I think Brendon finds it annoying that I spend practically all my free time in the room, but where else am I supposed to go? The library has too many people and I can’t stay in the piano room forever. I could sit in an empty classroom or outside somewhere. Or, I could just finally live in Starbucks. I already stay there for hours each day stalking Josh, I might as well pack my bags and move on over. Would I live in the supply closet or on one of the couches? The supply closet is quiet but uncomfortable and the couch is public but comfy. Hmmm…I’ll figure out something I guess, I dunno. 

 

Speaking of Josh, I can’t stop thinking about tomorrow. I’m so nervous, but I have to talk to him. If I don’t talk to him tomorrow I never will. I hate have these feelings for someone who doesn’t know I exist. I could run away and he wouldn’t care, he wouldn’t know that something bad happened to me. Everything sucks. I’m too stressed and tired, I think I’ll just go to sleep or something. Yeah I know I should probably do more work but I can’t do anything right now. You understand, right? Take care of yourself Fren.

 

-Ty


	22. Chapter 22

** 9/17 12:05am **

Dear Fren,

 

Fren, my Fren, my good ol’ buddy boy Fren. Frennnnnn, my nice lil Fren, do I have something to tell you. Wowza. Do people say wowza? Am I even spelling it right? Wow-za? How about holy guacamole? Sorry I’m super excited right now because guess what…

 

I TALKED TO JOSH!!!

 

I can’t believe I did it. I’m still in shock. My hands haven’t stopped shaking and my heart is still racing even though it’s been hours since I talked to him. That might be a problem but I don’t care right now because I talked to that cute punk boy with beautiful pink hair and sick tattoos. I told myself I would talk to him and I did it. I DID IT. I know it’s stupid but I’m proud of myself. Good job Tyler, you didn’t only set a goal and accomplish it, but you talked to a crush. I’ve never talked to someone I liked. It always ends with me crying myself to sleep and writing crappy love songs. But this time is different! I talked to Josh!!!!!! I may have been on the brink of tears but I did it. It was one of the most stressful moments of my life. It was awful. But I talked to that beautiful boy, so it was worth it. Let me explain how it went down.

 

I was waiting for him in Starbucks as I do, chugging a red bull because I couldn’t sleep at all the night before. Turns out red bull isn’t that bad when you’re running on 1 hour of sleep and feel like you’re dying. Anyways, I was sitting in the back of the store, trying to work on homework but actually hyperventilating. Then pink haired, super punk, love of my life Josh entered and ordered some coffee. Mark was working so I decided to go over to pretend like I wanted to talk to him then say something to Josh. After almost falling over myself to get to the counter I asked Mark for a cup of water or something easy and then Josh looked over at me. AND WE LOCKED EYES AND FELL MADLEY IN LOVE SO WE RAN AWAY TOGETHER TO LIVE IN THE WILDS OF OHIO TO START A FAMILY TOGETHER. I wish that happened. He glanced over at me and I said hi. But I did it, I said hi. I said hi to Josh. AND HE GRINNED. HE GRINNED AND NODDED AT ME. So he didn’t say anything back but he grinned and acknowledged my existence. Then he left with his coffee and skateboarded away. Now I have to think about what I’m going to do next. Do I just say hi every time he comes to Starbucks? Wouldn’t he think I’m stalking him? He probably already thinks I’m stalking him but I don’t want him to _know_ I’m stalking him. I’ll think of something and force Mark to help me. Well it’s late and I’m about to explode from happiness. Night Fren.

 

\- Ty


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is short and kinda boring but it takes me awhile to lead up to the good stuff lol. Also I've been busy with finals and everything so that's why I haven't posted in a bit.

** 9/17 11:52pm **

Dear Fren,

 

I'm still riding off the high from last night. I actually talked to Josh. I know it was only hi and everything but it's a really big step for me. Maybe this year I won't be so lonely...I said maybe not definitively. I need to pass him to hang out or something, that's the next step, right? Or am i going too fast? I wish I had a girl to help me out, I just have Mark and my mom. They're not bad, just not the people I'd go to about being in love with a guy. Love. Now I'm going too fast. You don't want things to end up like last time. But what if it does, I wouldn't be surprised. Goddammit Tyler don't mess this up. I know you screw up a lot but don't screw this up. Remember last time Ty. I'm done talking for tonight, Fren. See you later.

 

\- Ty


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploading a chapter in class, nice

** 9/18 10:33 **

Dear Fren,

 

Remember a couple weeks ago when I said I met a girl named Jenna? Well turns out she's in my history class! I guess I didn't notice because I haven't talked to anyone and I just write songs instead of pay attention. Well today I guess she saw how miserable I've been and wanted to talk to me. Anyways, she called me over when I walked in (she remembered my name!) and so I sat next to her. We didn't really talk much since she was paying attention in class but I couldn't help but keep making comments about the professor and lesson, which made her laugh. She also saw how awful I am at taking notes and said she would help me study for the test that's coming up. SHE IS TOO SWEET!! I don't even deserve this much niceness. So I told her we could meet at Starbucks (obviously) this Friday to study. I got a study date and I can stalk Josh at the same time! Tyler you are smart but also a little weird. Thank you Tyler, I know. What day is it? Wednesday, so that means I have two days till I get to see Jenna again and maybe Josh! Friday is going to be GREAT! Goodnight Fren, hope you're day was as great as mine.

 

\- Ty


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finals are in full swing but I'm finished with everything this Monday so I should be more consistent with chapters then! Good luck on finals for everyone taking them!!

** 9/20 11:16pm **

Dear Fren,

 

Sorry I didn't talk to you yesterday, Fren. Turns out I had homework due that I had no idea about so I did homework and cried all of yesterday. Now to the stuff you really care about, because I know you Fren. You don't care about my psychological disorders that cause me to lose my mind everyday. Sorry, that was too cynical. Today didn't go so well. I did study with Jenna and all that was fine and great but I couldn't stop thinking about how much I suck. That's putting it lightly. I couldn't stop thinking about how I'm human trash that's a waste of space and shouldn't be here. That I'm a burden for all my friends and family and everyone wouldn't care if I died because they wish I was. Sorry I'm being depressing again. I need more people like Jenna. I don't deserve it but I need friends like her.

 

My story's going well, I think. I'm done with the beginning and it looks pretty good. My professor says she loves it, that it’s really engaging and emotional. I guess that’s a good thing? I’mnot that far into it yet, but I do have till the end of the semester anyways so I’m already ahead of everyone else. Maybe I’ll just become a hermit writer so I don’t have to interact with anyone but my characters.

 

Josh didn't show up today.

 

I'm going to sleep, night Fren.

 

\- Ty


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So turns out I made a huge spelling mistake that changes the last chapter. I meant to say Josh DIDN’T show up today. I guess it isn’t such a huge deal but ya know, I like not having mistakes like that.
> 
> Also sorry for the long wait!! I lost motivation and was a bit busy/lazy. Hopefully I'll be more active now!

  **9/29 9:27pm**

Dear Fren,

 

It’s been awhile since we talked, well, since I wrote in you. It’s been a bad week. I didn’t know if I wanted to even keep writing anymore, in my journal I mean, in you. Talking to Josh should’ve made my whole week, but it didn’t. I was so happy, so proud of myself for being able to say something, anything to him. But I guess it didn’t last that long. This past week I was sad, really sad. Depressed is probably a better word. Is there anything worse than depressed? Devastated? Sorrowful? I don’t know. Anyways, it awful. I’ve been behind on homework so that has completely stressed me out. I’ve been trying to catch up but I just can’t do it, I don’t understand anything. I feel like a failure. Other people here don’t even study or do anything and they get A’s and B’s while I’m struggling to get a C after studying for hours. 

 

Maybe I should just give up. My parents would be saving money at least, but I’d probably be stuck living at home. My mom won’t want me to stay in my room all day like I did the past couple years already. I could live in a car, but I don’t have a car or the money to get one. Maybe I’ll just become homeless and sing on the side of the road for change. Or I could write a really good book and get it published. Whatever. I wrote another song, it probably sucks like everything I do. It’s called Addict with a Pen. Maybe I’ll sing it out loud one day.

 

Tomorrow I have class like usual. Maybe I’ll visit Mark or talk to Jenna, I haven’t seen them since last week. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, do you know that feeling? Probably not. I’ll see you tomorrow I guess.

 

\- Ty


	27. Chapter 27

** 9/30 10:35pm **

Dear Fren,

 

I feel better. Not like “wow I want to conquer the world and kiss a boy” great, although I do want to kiss a boy. Anyways, I don’t feel like I want to fall asleep and never wake up, which is positive I think. I do still have this lingering self doubt and hatred that never leaves, but you get used to it. 

 

Today I went to class, nothing out of the ordinary. I took some awful notes and sort of paid attention but was actually writing lyrics down. After my classes I went to Starbucks and studied until Mark finished work and then we ate dinner and did homework together. I’m happy Mark likes me, or at least finds me interesting enough to hang out with. Maybe he doesn’t even like me but my mom paid him to be my friend. That would be awful, What if I’m actually in a coma right now and everything that’s happening is part of my imagination? This would be the worst coma dream ever. Why would my dream self have depression, anxiety, and every other disorder under the sun. I need to stop thinking about alternate realities or I’ll go crazy. 

 

I don’t think I saw Josh today. That sound’s odd but I don’t know for sure if I saw him. There was someone that kinda looked like him; kinda buff, shorter than me, punk looking. But this guy had yellow hair. Josh doesn’t have yellow hair, right? His hair is pink. Maybe he changed it, I don’t know. I couldn’t get a good look because he went past me as I entered the Starbucks. I could find him and say, “hey, did you go to Starbuck on this date at this time?”, but I’m not a stalker. At least I tell myself that. 

 

Oh yea, I also sat next to Jenna today. Maybe that’s why I feel better, she makes everything better. If I wasn’t madly in love with Josh I’d marry Jenna in an instant. God she’s so smart, talented, and beautiful. I say talented even though I don’t know any of her talents but I assume she is. She saw how sad I looked and tried to cheer me up by making jokes about our history professor, which worked a bit. I’m supposed to have a study lunch tomorrow with her so that’s something to look forward to. Maybe I should talk to my mom about this. Mom’s know what to do, it’s there job, right? I already see a therapist, isn’t that enough? Maybe I should actually talk to my therapist about this. I’ll think about it.

 

Time to sleep, I’ll talk to you soon.

 

\- Ty


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm terrible at updating, I haven't been very motivated. I really like writing sad, depressing crap so it's hard to just write positive things haha. That also ties into this chapter, funny enough. Anyways, I'm never going to give up completely on this fic, although it might be awhile between updates. I'm also going to study abroad in Spain this semester so it might be harder to update then.

** 9/31 8:52pm **

Dear Fren,

 

Hey, look who didn’t disappear again. Three whole days in a row I’ve talked to you. I wonder how long this streak will last. Probably not long. TYLER! Stop with the negativity! I know, I know, it’s just so hard to stop. Anyways I talked to my therapist on the phone and she said the stuff she normally does; “Look on the bright side!”, “ _Why_ do you feel like that?”, “Try to have a positive mindset”. It’s not the easy Ms. I have a PhD and charge parents $250 a session to tell me the same thing over and over again. 

 

Maybe she’s right though, I am really negative. Ok, from this moment forward I am going to be POSITIVE!! What are some positive things Tyler?? Redbull is nice and it helps me stay awake to do homework. I also like oreos, they’re really good when you dunk them in milk. Uh, Jenna, she’s the best person on this planet. And how Josh’s hair keeps changing colors and his tattoos are really colorful and he squints when he smiles and he is so beautiful I’m going to cry tears of joy. Ok I think thats enough positivity for now.

 

Speaking of Jenna, I studied with her last night and it went really well! I think I may have learnt something. She said she’d tutor me and help me out with work I got to do which is the nicest thing anyone has done for me! She is amazing!! Too bad this gay ass doesn’t like her romantically. I hope she likes hanging out with me and doesn’t feel like I’m a burden. Frick Tyler, you just said you’d be positive. Maybe I’ll do something for her, like make her cookies or whatever so she knows I appreciate everything she does for me. I wonder if she knows I’m gay. What if she thinks I’m coming onto her?? I could write “I’m gay” on all the cookies to make sure. Excellent idea.

 

Great chat tonight Fren, we really got this positivity thing going and I’m feeling great!! 

 

No sign of Josh still, but I’m still going to look on the bright side! This means he hasn’t seen my ugly face! TYLER ROBERT JOSEPH STOP BEING NEGATIVE. UGHHH.

 

-Ty


	29. Chapter 29

** 10/1 11:43pm **

Dear Fren,

 

Happy Halloween! I know it’s not actually Halloween but it’s the first day of October so it basically is. I already have my crappy skeleton costume put together. It’s just my hoodie and black pants. Maybe I should draw some skeleton legs on the pants to make it better but my drawing abilities suck. You know who I could ask? Jenna. Yay more excuses to talk to Jenna! I need to stop obsessing over her. 

 

So lets talk about Josh. I haven’t seen Josh since I spoke to him for the first time and I’m starting to get worried. I’m going to say it’s not my fault that he’s missing (look at that positivity, sort of). I guess missing is a strong term, because he probably isn’t missing. I asked Mark if he saw him at Starbucks and he said he hasn’t seen him in awhile so maybe he’s sick or something? Let’s hope it’s nothing serious. I miss his pink hair and cute, punk outfits. And how am I supposed to marry him if he’s gone missing? 

 

On another note, class is hard. All classes are hard. Except creative writing. Well, sharing stuff with the class is hard. We had to write a poem about society and it’s faults so I whipped something up and I think it came out pretty good. It’s called March to the Sea.

 

There's miles of land in front of us

And we're dying with every step we take

We're dying with every breath we make

And I'll fall in line

 

A stranger's back is all I see

He's only a few feet in front of me

And I'll look left and right sometimes

But I'll fall in line

 

No one looks up anymore

'Cause you might get a raindrop in your eye

And Heaven forbid they see you cry

As we fall in line

 

And about this time of every year

The line will go to the ocean pier

And walk right off into the sea

And then we fall asleep

 

My professor really liked it; she said it was moving and inspiring. I don’t think it’s that inspiring but I’ll take any positive comment I can get. 

 

It’s really late and I spent all day studying and getting late homework done so I’m going to go to sleep. I’ll see ya tomorrow Fren.

 

-Ty


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long to update and left ya'll hanging for so long. I'm currently abroad in Barcelona, Spain enjoying my time here and writing shitty poetry. Like I said early, I'll never totally give up on this fic, it'll just take awhile for me to get it out.
> 
> Hope ya'll are enjoying/enjoyed/will enjoy your spring break!

** 10/2 1:07pm **

Dear Fren,

 

I had a weird dream. 

 

It was really weird. 

 

I was standing on a beach, the waves splashing my bare feet. It was early in the morning, the sun was low and the sky a nice, light blue. It was a really nice day, but something wasn’t right. It felt weird, not sad but empty, like there was no point to anything. Then I looked down and saw I was holding a rock that was wrapped in rope and tied to my ankle. I was so confused. Why was I holding this rock? Why was it tied to me? Then I looked up and saw other people, just like me, holding a rock that was tied to their ankle. They came from beyond the sand dunes in droves. They passed me and walked right into the ocean. Hundred of people. They never stopped coming and I didn’t see anyone come back out of the water. I didn’t want to follow them but I felt like I had to; I was scared, I didn’t want to die.

 

And then it got even weirder.

 

It seems like I was standing there for ages because the sun set and the moon was out; it was especially starry that night. Then something cut through the sky, like a knife. It was silver and speeding past the stars. And I heard someone calling me. The voice was familiar but I don’t know who it was. It was some guy with a soft voice saying “follow me”. But he was going so fast in that spaceship that I wouldn’t be able to catch up with him so I just sat down and cried until the spaceship was gone and the sun came up again.

 

I woke up crying. Brendon was still asleep, snoring and half off the bed. Thank God I didn’t wake him up, he probably doesn’t want to hear about my dumb dreams. 

 

Maybe it means something, I dunno. I don’t know much about dreams and stuff, I could google it I guess. But what if it means something bad? Like, no one is ever going to love me and I should just give up. It was a weird dream.

 

Didn’t see Josh again today. I’m getting real worried.

 

\- Ty


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We back nerds

**10/3 11:45pm**

Dear Fren

 

I'm having another one of those days and it sucks. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I don't want to feel this but I do at the same. I wish I could just cut out my feelings. Maybe if I dug deep enough I'd disrupt something to make it stop. I've tried before but I failed. I'm so tired of having to deal with all these emotions and crap. This...this shit. I'm sorry but I'm so tired Fren. I'm so tired. I don't even know what to do anymore. I do what I'm suppose to, like take my medicine and talk to my therapist. I tell her when I feel really bad and let my mom know when I'm having a rough time. I even talk to Mark a bit. But does anyone really care? Of course my mom does, she's my mom. But like, that's not enough. I'm sorry mom, but I'm not strong enough to be here just for you. I mean, to continue just for you. Everything's a struggle. Waking up in the morning and getting out of bed is a struggle. I should've given up sooner and not wasted my energy.

 

My minds a jumbled mess that I can't clean up. I can spill these thoughts out on keys but they make no sense. A bunch of stupid emo nonsense. Everything I do is stupid. I'm a complete idiot. I'm failing my classes even though it's barely been a month. How does something do that? How do I do that? It doesn't matter anymore. Who cares. Soon enough this will all be over and I don't have to worry about anything and everyone will be happier. I'm done. I'm done and I don't want anyone to tell me differently. I'm done and I'm not coming back.

 

I just wish I could've seen Josh one last time.

 

-Ty


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll get another one because I haven't updated in forever

**10/7 2:53pm**

Fren,

 

It’s been 4 days since I last saw you. We didn’t end things on a good note. The past few days have been…rough. Things got to my head and I just couldn’t stand it. I did a bad thing. I’m at home right now, actually got back from the hospital not that long ago. They wanted me to stay for a couple days to evaluate my mental health and I guess they deemed me stable enough to let me go. My mom doesn’t want me to go back to school for at least a week, she really wants me to just drop out and come home for the rest of the semester. I’d do that in a heart beat but I can’t. I’ll just spiral into depression again and probably wouldn’t see Mark or Jenna…or Josh. I haven’t seen or heard anything of Josh still but he’s out there somewhere and I just gotta find him, and I can’t if I’m dead.

 

I’m going to make a promise right now, to you Free and to myself. I will never go back to a hospital. I will never cause my mom so much fear like I did this time. I will never hurt myself again. I will never give up on myself. I deserve love and life and friends. And goddammit I deserve to live.

 

I guess I’ll be wearing long sleeves again for awhile so no one can see my bandages, it’ll make them feel uncomfortable. I haven’t messaged Mark or Jenna so they’re probably worried even though I haven’t told them about my past; I bet they could’ve figured it out though. Hopefully I won’t miss much in class because I’m already doing awful in all of them except creative writing. Jenna will still help me with studying and work, so that’s good. She’s the best.

 

I should probably get some rest and hide you Fren before my mom comes in and tries to read you. See you later.

 

-Ty


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow did I just update again??? what is this, Christmas??? I didn't sleep at all so I'm dying. Anyways heres wonderwall.

**10/8 9:06pm**

Dear Fren,

 

Mark came to visit today. I knew I was right to actually talk to him after I first met him instead of ignoring him like I usually do with most people. He’s a good friend. I told him I haven’t been in class (or Starbucks stalking Josh) because I’ve been really sick, which isn’t a total lie. After work he came over with some hot chocolate; he truly knows me. We talked about stuff, nothing really important, just school and class. He asked how I was feeling and I said I was better but he has this look on his face, like he knew I didn’t have the flu or something. I was wearing a big sweater so he couldn’t see my bandages but my sunken face and overall depressed demeanor probably tipped him off. He didn’t mention it though, which was nice, I guess.

 

He said Josh hasn’t come by at all, which I could’ve guessed anyways. That boy is a mystery, I just hope he’s alright. He probably is, he looks strong and capable. Maybe his mom got sick or something, so he has to stay home. To be honest he could’ve been on campus this whole time but we just keep missing each other. I think my stalking skills are good enough to know he hasn’t been to class lately. Maybe that comes with the punk territory, like, he has to skip class at least twice a week or he can’t be punk. Are there rules like that? Like, I can’t consider myself emo unless I write sad poetry ~~and try to kill myself at least once~~. Anyways, it was good to see Mark. He's my friend. I deserve friends.

 

\- Ty


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this...is this another update? Omg who has taken over this fanfic?? Someone who is actually motivated and has ideas?? What????

**10/9 5:21pm**

Dear Fren,

 

I guess we’re on a roll for having friends visit. This time Jenna came by. I love Jenna. Not in a straight way, but in a friendly, platonic, “I want you to adopt me and hold onto me forever and never let go” type of way. Maybe next time I should ask her to adopt me, even though she’s like 2 years younger than me and I have a mom. If Josh and I don’t work out for some ungodly reason I could marry Jenna. I don’t know if she’d say yes because I’m a gayby (gay + baby) and she probably wants to marry someone he likes in a different way, like when she’s n u d e. Gross. I mean Jenna’s not gross, she’s beautiful and amazing. I meant being naked. You know what, never mind.

 

Anyways, Jenna came over with homemade cookies (I didn’t know she could be any more perfect). I haven’t gotten my full appetite back yet but I ate a couple; they were too good. I could’ve eaten all of them in one sitting and there was about 30 of them. We talked about the same stuff and Mark and I did, ya know, school and what not. Oh yeah, Jenna actually picked up extra papers for me in history class and said she’d catch me up on everything I missed. I know I said I deserve friends and whatever but I don’t think I deserve Jenna. To be fair, no one deserves Jenna because she’s an angel descended from heaven and has come to bring world peace. I don’t know why she’s starting world peace with me but if that’s the way she wants to solve it, I won’t stop her.

 

She was nice like always, but I don’t know if she knew what is actually going on with me; it was hard to tell. She can’t see my bandages or anything so theres no obvious signs, but I do look like crap still. I rather she doesn’t know what I did, I don’t want her to think I’m weak or sad or…I dunno. Jenna left after a couple hours and I just hung around watching tv and playing games the rest of the day, kinda boring but I’m a bit too weak still to do anything. Speaking of that I’m getting pretty worn out so I’m going to take a nap. See ya later Fren, each days getting better.

 

-Ty


	35. Chapter 35

**10/12 4:47pm**

Dear Fren,

 

I didn’t really miss school, but I’m happy I’m back. I don’t really care about the work and the existential dread that follows me every waking minute, but I get to see Jenna and Mark, so that’s nice. No one seemed to notice that I was missing other then those two and my creative writing professor. I didn’t really talk to anyone in class or even raise my hand so it’s not like there'd be a reason they’d notice. At least Jenna helped me stay caught up in history class so I don’t have to stress over that. Although I have to catch up for all my other ones. Maybe my professors will give me extra time if I ask? I’m not going to ask. Not only would I need to actually speak but I’d probably have to give a reason, and I’m not about to tell my professor I slit my wrists.

 

Positivity Tyler. Stay Positive.

 

So everything is going pretty well and I'm feeling better. I’m still anxious and my moods a bit unstable, which isn’t odd, but it’s controllable. I just in a weird situation, you know? The next few days will be weird but I think I’ll get back into the rhythm of things. My mom wants me to call her every night now, which is kinda annoying, but I understand why she’d want me to do that. Oh, I also have therapy twice a week now too. Now I gotta balance that with my school work, ugh. I’m gonna go do some work, maybe meet Mark at Starbucks, who knows.

 

 

Still haven’t seen Josh. Maybe I never will again.

 

\- Ty


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just started school again so my posting might be erratic. Sorry in advance!

** 10/13 8:02pm **

Dear Fren,

 

I saw him.

 

I saw him for the first time in weeks.

 

I saw Josh.

 

It’s been so long. Too long. I don’t know what he’s been up to this whole time. I haven’t seen him on campus or at the Starbucks Mark works at but he could’ve gone to another one or taken a different route to class. Not much had changed of him; he wore his cute punk outfit and road a skateboard. But he was bald, not like ugly bald, but buzzcut. It looked nice, but I miss the colored hair, although that yellow disaster with the shaved sides was…it was a look. 

 

Anyways, I was walking through campus on my way to class and I saw him speed by on his skateboard. I was shocked, my heart might’ve skipped a beat or two. He was just casually riding down the street, backpack on, hat turned backwards, and my mind just melted. Not unusual but I haven’t seen him in so long that my unrequited love rushed back all of a sudden and I was overwhelmed with feelings. You get that, right? Thanks notebook that knows human emotions and is totally not inanimate. 

 

So I saw him. What do I do now? I know he’s not dead, so that’s good, but I still haven’t ever really interacted with him. I could stalk him…but he’d eventually find out. I wonder if he knew I went to Starbucks just to see him. Oh no. What if that’s why I didn’t see him for awhile, because he was avoiding me. Oh noooo. Maybe Jenna knows what to do. She’s a girl and smart, I bet she can help me. If she can’t, well, I guess I’ll never be in love. Talk to you later Fren.

 

\- Ty


End file.
